There’s not really much I can say or do to introduce this post as sadly, I have to admit to something I spend WAY too much time thinking about. And that is my hair. Or, more specifically, other people’s hair. This is because I have hair like this:
Yup. Fine-textured, naturally curly hair that is unruly and frizzy at the best of times. The fact that my hair looks like this 98% of the time cannot be attributed to any deficiency or lack of skill of any hair professional that has ever been brave enough to colour/cut/style my hair. Fact is, I work with the fucking best in the city of Ottawa (Salon Salwa) and my hair always looks like Jennifer Aniston’s when I come out of there….until…I have to do it myself. And that’s when things start to fall apart. More often than not, when given some kind of hair product and a blow dryer I end up with triangle-head. Kind of like this:
And I can’t even find a celebrity picture that illustrates the horror of my hair when I attempt to straighten it myself. Like with a brush and hair dryer or (shudder) a straightener. Sadly, my ‘all-thumbs’ craft skill also applies to that of general hair styling.
Most people I encounter gush about how lucky I am to have naturally curly hair, but let me be the first one to tell you: it’s a curse. Like how can you be taken seriously when you show up to a meeting with Sammy Hagar hair? Often I think about how my hair woes fall into the ‘grass is always greener’ category of self-indulgent complaining. Often this happens as I am wrestling it into a messy ponytail or twisting it into a messy bun held in place with a pencil or (god forbid) one of those clamp paperclips. Talk about workplace fashion.
So here’s where the grass is greener, or celebrities who have hair that I covet:
1. Zooey Deschanel
I know that everyone is now moaning: ‘Oh, not you tooooooo….’ – but yes, just like everyone else, I am smitten with Zooey Deschanel, but more specifically her bangs:
Back when I had bangs, they were total assholes. Like I would spend the time every morning to blow them out nice and straight, or even curl them only to have one sweaty, frizzy mess upon arriving at my destination. My bangs have betrayed me in such situations as first dates, job interviews and important-ish meetings. Nice. Needless to say, I have not had bangs since sometime back in the 90′s.
And I’ll just bet Zooey’s bangs never do this to her.
2. Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively)
I wish I had a little snark up my sleeve with which to slag Serena, but like everything else in my life, I am waaaay behind on Gossip Girl. Like maybe waaaaay back in Season Three. So any kind of snark I have would be so outdated as to render me behind the times. So I will just
whine say: It is soooo not fair that this bitch (Serena) is rich AND thin AND has a fabulous head of hair with a killer wardrobe. Observe:
3. Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker)
I watched every single episode there was to watch of Sex and the City, revelling about the fact that there was actually someone on the show with (gasp!) hair like mine. Actually, better than mine. Better than mine as Carrie somehow managed (I’m sure, without a stylist in that fabulous, centrally located, rent-controlled apartment, surrounded by boxes and boxes of Manolos) to get her curls perfect. We are talking total curl definition, here people. Here is a picture waaaaay back from Season One:
This celebrity hair I covet, probably falls into the ‘most realistic’ category of hair admiration, as I could actually have this hair if I had the necessary hair care skills and supervision.
So although I don’t have the requisite hair to be a girl-next-door cutie, wealthy heiress, or hipster columnist, there is apparently a future for me in a metal band. The Jock of course, calls me a ’mad-scientist’ when my hair is out of control frizzy (which is 98% of the time), or when I (absent-mindedly) come home with that mess twisted into a bun and secured with a pencil. I think this is the image I will cultivate.
Check out some of the big-hair moves in the video below. I can seriously do 99% of what Sammy does in this video with my own hair. For reals.
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